


Once More With Stealing's Quicker

by executrix



Category: Blake's Seven, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:06:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25813279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/executrix/pseuds/executrix
Summary: The lyrics for the fortunately non-existent Musical Episode of Blake's 7, which can be sung to the tune of the songs from "Once More With Feeling"
Relationships: Implied Blake/Avon, Servalan/Travis
Comments: 15
Kudos: 12





	Once More With Stealing's Quicker

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The Gauda Prime Social Club](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+Gauda+Prime+Social+Club).



…  
1\. SLOGGING THROUGH THE QUARRY  
(We follow BLAKE as he walks past several extremely crap matte paintings, through a nuclear power plant, and of course the eponymous)  
BLAKE  
I blow up a base   
The same old mission  
Three pursuit ships then give chase  
At a blinding pace,  
No intermission.  
Can't the frame just freeze?  
Can't we say "Next case"?  
Trading snips of quips up on the Deck  
Let's hope they won't suspect  
That I've been…..  
(Ortega-esque explosion goes off in the background)  
Slogging through the quarry  
Standard by a Half  
Not sure what's the wheat and what is chaff…  
I always believed,  
Hands-on, directive  
Now each blaze leaves me blase  
With a Mark-Three mind   
You get perspective  
What can we achieve?   
What is there to say?  
(Two Federation Troopers pop up from behind a buddleia bush)  
BLAKE  
Go on, make my day…  
TROOPERS  
Blake earned big SpaceCred by fighting Feds,  
Until he hit a dead  
End, and he's   
Slogging through the quarry,  
Standard by a Half  
(BLAKE moves out of the way; the TROOPERS shoot each other)  
BLAKE (shakes head)  
Sometimes the only thing to do is…laugh  
Will the rabble bleed forever?  
Will they let me lead, whenever?  
REPRESENTATIVES OF PLANETS WITH WEAK TIES TO  
FEDERATION  
We want to secede…  
(BLAKE just walks past)  
BLAKE  
Whatever.  
I don't want to be,  
Slogging through the quarry,  
Standard by a Half.  
I want to maintain  
Or even just attain….Hyperdrive!

2\. I'VE GOT A THEORY

BLAKE  
I've got a theory--  
A puppeteer, here… No..  
Something isn't right there.  
CALLY  
I see a vision--some gal named Sleer, here  
And we're all stuck inside her Pylene-50 nightmare  
(CREW exchange glances--what the hell is she yammering about?)  
JENNA  
I've got a theory, we should work this out  
CALLY  
The tone is ringing, but cheery singing…  
Is just so NOT what we're about  
VILA  
It could be fairies, malicious fairies--  
Err, like the kind with wings…and little wands,  
Midsummer Night, and nature sprites…  
And I'll be over here  
JENNA  
I've got a theory. It could be moondisks.  
Moondisks aren't just cute,   
They're smooth they aren't furry.  
They don't have any legs  
That's what makes me worry….  
So what's with all the moving,  
If they don't have any legs?  
Moondisks. moondisks. It must be moondisks.  
Or maybe it's the Klute.  
AVON  
I've got a theory. Once more, it's a trap  
VILA  
And just as always, I'll land in a pile of crap.  
BLAKE  
I've got a theory  
It doesn't matter  
What can't we face if we're united?  
We know the Federation, we can fight it  
CALLY  
We’re not fighting blind,  
We'll make any sacrifice  
AVON (to BLAKE and CALLY)  
You've lost your mind.  
BLAKE  
Hey, I've been mindwiped twice!  
CREW  
There's nothing we can't face  
JENNA  
…except for Moondisks….

                         
3\. (BONUS TRACK!) I'M LOCKED IN YOUR CELL  
Or, Eight Inches to Manifesto  
(Warning: Contains unparliamentary Language)  
CALLY  
I lived my life in Auron,  
Not much excitement for me.  
We had a House of Commons  
But we'd never heard of h/c.  
Just think what I missed,  
Sweet Sixteen, never been Sparta-cist.  
Now I'm locked in your cell,  
Oooh, a three-line whip,   
Accepting party discip-  
Line, Gave an inch and took an ell,  
Come and set me free,  
Seeking Unity,  
I quake at each division bell…  
It must be meant to happen  
Look at the way we strike sparks.  
Those sessions in my cabin--  
Every time, you left your Marx.  
What a life! Hoo-hah,  
Half derring-do, half Derrida!  
I'm locked in your cell  
Freed from Ideology  
Anyone can see  
Blake, you are my tendency  
I downloaded TelQuel!  
Mid lasers and slime,  
We’ll deconstruct one base at a time.  
I’m locked in your cell,  
Getting with the mission,  
Building coalition,  
You plead your case so well..  
I'm getting my Greens  
I'm getting my Greens  
I'm getting my Greens!

                       

4\. I'LL NEVER TELL

SERVALAN  
This is my ace, my Commander o'Space,  
A vessel of wrath  
One arm, half a face,   
In and out of disgrace,   
But he's MY sociopath  
He's really quite a guy  
As you can see with half an eye  
TRAVIS  
Oi!  
SERVALAN  
Some issues, sure, but I…  
I'll never tell.  
TRAVIS  
Who could be grander?  
Our Supreme Commander,  
An Empire tight in her grip,  
I'm deep in her debt,   
And she's got quite a set  
Of…pursuit ships! PURSUIT SHIPS!  
I sacrificed my soul,  
To help her climb the greasy pole,  
And did it take its toll?  
No, I'll never tell.  
SERVALAN/TRAVIS  
(S: Cause there's nothing to tell.  
(T: Cause who could I tell?  
SERVALAN  
He's mean  
TRAVIS  
She's ruthless  
SERVALAN  
He makes the Huns look toothless  
But, for once to tell the truth, less  
Aggro goes twice as far.  
He could be subtler…  
TRAVIS  
What am I now, the butler?  
SERVALAN  
His tread can be as heavy as a Neutron Star.  
SERVALAN/TRAVIS  
The varnish could get crack-y  
TRAVIS  
Does she know I'm not her lackey?  
SERVALAN  
God, that Lazeron's so tacky  
TRAVIS  
And her strategies are wacky  
BOTH  
But we'll lob the next shell,  
'Cause gods know I'll never tell!  
SERVALAN  
When he wants to flake out,  
He claims he's on a stakeout  
Or a mutoid wants to make out  
He calls THAT "getting Blake"  
TRAVIS  
I'm vile…  
SERVALAN  
I'm viler…  
TRAVIS  
It's a bad idea to rile her  
SERVALAN (sneaks up on his blind side) And when it comes to guile, or…  
TRAVIS  
This is MY verse--hello!  
(SERVALAN pushes him out of the way and performs a wild Charleston)  
SERVALAN  
Fifty million henchmen can't be wrong!  
(They resume the duet)  
SERVALAN  
Adieu…  
TRAVIS  
It's an awful crime  
SERVALAN  
…To Ursa Prime…  
You're the doer, I'm the thinker….  
TRAVIS  
You could book me in with Shrinker,  
Underground inside a soundproofed cell,  
But I'll be bound that I'd never tell.  
SERVALAN  
He's muck.  
TRAVIS  
She's mucker.  
She plays me for a sucker.  
She thinks I want---her pursuit ships! PURSUIT SHIPS!  
SERVALAN  
I'm not just jiving  
When it comes to surviving--  
Now, what about reviving those neuronic whips?  
TRAVIS  
I've lied…my mouth was moving…  
SERVALAN  
I cried…when I put that price on his head….  
TRAVIS  
All the guilt, how can I carry it?  
SERVALAN  
Say hello to Mrs. Marryatt!  
TRAVIS  
When I sell the human race to goo  
That wouldn't pass on Dr. Who…  
SERVALAN  
Sure, I "borrowed"…a few millions  
TRAVIS  
So, I shot a few civilians,  
SERVALAN  
Hey, I had bills to pay  
TRAVIS  
And a rebellion to quell,  
And those folks, they'll never tell.  
SERVALAN  
My lips are sealed.  
TRAVIS  
Nothing to see…move it along…  
SERVALAN  
Dead men tell no tales.

                         
5\. LET ME THINK

AVON  
I've lied…  
About a thing or two  
There were some things I left unsaid,  
The pragmatic thing to do.  
You cast yourself as "warm" and "kind"  
Now, that just isn't true….  
You claim  
I'm heartless, just a brain--  
No doubt you're sure that I won't mind  
How nice to feel no pain  
And why am I still here with you,  
Do I have to explain?  
All right.  
Do anything you choose.  
You say I'm cold and cruel to you  
I'd say you were confused.  
But since I'm just a tool to you,  
Who's just here to be used,  
Why don't you let me think?  
Let me use my mind  
Keep a clear, cool head  
Let me find alternatives  
Before you make us dead  
This doesn't mean a thing to you,  
A mildly funny kink  
So just let me think  
I stayed,  
As we went through the worst  
You want me to fall down,  
To get hurt and be nursed  
That's your dream, to hear me scream  
Confessions you've coerced…  
I know I should go,  
But I follow you to the bitter end  
Though you’re still unsure, don't you see a trend?  
Any fool would think that I was your friend  
But the likes of me can't comprehend  
Your subtle brain, so just let me think  
Let me use my mind  
Keep a clear, cool head  
Let me find alternatives  
Before you make us dead  
If once I took you seriously  
No doubt I'd take to drink,  
So just let me think.  
Sod off and let me think.

                         
6\. STANDING

BLAKE  
You're not ready to assume command  
I'll keep it quiet, you'd deny it, and  
I know I said that you'd be led up to the end,   
But I….  
I've been detracting, you can't get a grip,  
You're just reacting as if you had a chip,  
And so I see I must give up the ship but I…  
No doubt you'd call them trite words,  
Eternal moral laws,  
Which you describe in light words  
When you unsheathe your claws.  
Takes more than soft night words  
To bind you to a Cause  
Because I'm standing in the way  
This life's demanding  
As some malicious imp.  
The mission's scope's expanding  
That put us in this crimp.  
But when our cocks are standing  
Our brains are going limp, and I….  
Wish I could see  
The victory that I planned  
Wish we could agree--   
A tight, coherent band  
Wish I didn't have to be  
The beloved you can't stand  
When I'm standing in your way,  
When I'm standing in your way.

                       

7\. WADE THROUGH THE BLOOD

BLAKE  
I dive to the Vortex, am expelled  
I rain down fire on living flesh  
I broke the spell,   
My passion has been quelled--  
I wish the Cause felt fresh.  
They call to me, throughout the Galaxy  
Too weak to summon up a fight  
I must do their will,   
Although some blood is spilled--  
How else will I know I'm right?  
So I will wade through the blood  
Until the war is done  
I will wade through the blood  
To reach….  
AVON  
Blake's latest tale will fail again  
With still more losses to atone  
I'd sacrifice a limb  
Just to be free of him…   
(Heads off in Blake's direction)  
He's useless on his own.  
He thinks he’ll be washed in the blood  
Forgiven by the gun  
So he will wade through the blood  
To burn….  
VILA  
"Destroy Star One"'s too big a task, it…  
Can't we send a muffin basket?  
Forget I asked, we'll go blow something up  
Maybe Avon has a gadget.  
JENNA  
Blake will--somehow--avert traged…  
CALLY  
Too late to pass the cup.  
VILA, JENNA, CALLY  
We'll see it through,  
That's what it means to be a crew,  
So we will wade through the blood--  
BLAKE  
Now, when it hurts, they all desert  
No doubt this comes too near the bone  
CALLY  
What can't we face if we're together?  
BLAKE  
At last I see  
How much they hated me  
So I'll fight on alone.  
VILA  
This time Blake is really ravin'  
AVON  
First they'll kill him, then I'll save him  
VILA  
…And I'd say the same for Avon  
JENNA  
If I get killed, then no more smelly Goths  
AVON  
No, I'll save him, then I'LL kill him  
JENNA  
No more tracking down some villain  
On the Planet of the Three-Toed Sloths…  
BLAKE  
This endless quest  
At last has put me to the test…  
BLAKE AND CREW  
And we will wade through the blood,  
The way we've always done  
Yes, we will wade through the blood  
And burn Star One.  
And burn Star One….and burn Star One!

**Author's Note:**

> If you wonder why I have a Blake/Avon icon captioned "First I'll save him, then I'LL kill him," well, this is why.


End file.
